The Sea Of Blue Bells

It's still spring, but for the last two weeks it's been like summer already coming - the weather has been really lovely. The English Weather is unpredictable, I hope it will stay nice.

I have spent most days outdoors, shopping and gardening. But this morning (and last Saturday morning), before we did anything else we had a walk to Norsey Woods, it's not far, only 10 minutes driving from our home.

This morning we spent 2 hours walking through the woods while taking pictures of the Blue Bells, these wild flowers in Norsey Woods always come out beautifully in the spring.

We found some squirrels, a doormouse and a rabbit. I took alot of pictures (more in the Album), hope there is a good one that I can submit for the Wildlife Trust Members Photo Competition next month.

Today had been a busy day with taking photos, shopping and gardening, but I enjoyed it. Life is always more exciting when the day is bright and warm, and you can feel the sun on your skin :-)

 

My Washing Line Is Ready For Summer

I was going to replace the old washing line. It was really hard to take the old one off the ground, the pipe was snapped instead of coming out. I was very frustrated. It's imposible to make a new hole since the ground was covered by rocks. Then an idea came after I saw an empty pot in the corner of the patio. I filled half of the pot with some bricks first to hold the pipe strong before put some mud, compost and Petunias . Voila .... here is my washing line, ready for Summer :-)

 

Vienna's Memorial Garden

You know I didn't really like gardening, Vienna. But since your body has become a compost in the front garden, and we won't spend anymore money on cat food, cat litter and the Vet, and your soul don't even need our prayers - since you've already got a ticket to enter Heaven - so, we cancelled our holiday and spent the money in the Garden Center instead. Hope you will be happy and proud as we are after seeing the difference, Vienna. Gardening is tiring but rewarding.

We spent a whole week going in and out of the Garden Center and working on it, only had a break a few hours for a trip to Marsh Farm Country Park. After all the hard work transforming that little jungle into your garden, we may have an effort to look after it and will fix that wall or replace it with a fence. Sleep tight my Darling. Don't worry about Sylvia who keep offering to get me another cat. There won't be any cats take your place in my heart.

Time will heal the pain

It's been three nights her body curled up in the ground. But the jangling is still in the air.

Before we lowered her coffin down, Ria had asked me to take her collar off.

"It's for a comforter, Mum", she said, smiling bitterly. Now it's been on her wrist, "Jangling ... jangling .... jangling".

 

I stroke her fur that stuck on my black coat hanging in my wardrobe. She left me that fur when I was carrying her like a baby to the hospital. I don't want to brush it off - not yet, maybe never - because that's all her fur I can stroke now.

 

We've been talking about her, laughing and crying at the same time.

She was very arrogant like saying: "I'm the ruler of the world and you all are my slaves", yet was so adorable and we obeyed her. She didn't ask but demanded:

"Let me out ... let me in ... let me in and out ...."

"Don't sit on my sit and don't disturb me when I'm watching the telly. I don't care what programme, as long as it's on"

 "Don't wake me up when I'm sleeping, except for dinner"

 

She never listened to what we had said except "Vienna ... dinner". Then she would come running faster than the lighting.

When I said, "Vienna, don't scratch the chair", she would stop for a second, her head turned around and gave me the look, saying, "Don't tell me what to do or not to do.". Then she started again until I shouted, "Vienna. Stop it".

When we came home after had been out, as we turned the key she would run then standing behind the door meowing, "Where have you been?".

When I went to the loo she would followed me, "Don't close the door and hurry up".

 

When she saw me having food in the lounge, her eyes would follow my hand from the plate to my mouth, her head would go up and down.

"Do you want some?", I used to ask her feeling uncomfortable being watched and dropped a little on the floor. Then she would look at me like saying "What do you think I am?. Give me some respect. I'm not going down there and eat the food off the floor"

She loved to lick the food off my hand. But she didn't mind drinking from the rain puddle in the garden and eating a spider or a daddy long legs. She never knew what a mouse look like. But everytime she looked at the birds she always growled.

 

Everything she did is dancing on my eyes like a hologram, and I still feel a hollow in my heart. We should be glad that now we are free from her slavery. But we miss her so much.

It's too early for saying that we are alright.

But I guess .....

Time will heal the pain.

 

 

 

Panineungan

Kamari ucing nu koneng wani ngulampreng asup ka buruan tukang, ngarengkog sakeudeung siga nu asa-asa - meureun sieun aya nu ngudag lantaran sasarina sok kitu, Vienna teu resepeun aya ucing sejen ngalengkah ka buruan urang.

“Di buruan hareup Vienna mah, Floyd”, kuring ngagorowok. Hate ngarakacak. Si Floyd, ucing nu koneng  ngadeukeutan ka imah, luha-loho tina kaca nempo ka jero.

 

Manuk recet sing kalayang di luhureun buruan tukang. Katempo dina kongkolak panon ti satukangeun kaca, Vienna tatanggahan nempo ka luar bari calangap, ngaluarkeun sora anu nuruktuk, siga nu hayang sagabrug-gabrugeun ngarontok manuk. Kiwari manuk nu haliber teh wani tarurun, nu hiji anyeucleu dina korsi taman.

 

Langit lenglang, caangna panonpoe nembongan, tapi karasana asa aleum. Hate asa kosong molongpong. Unggal ngalengkah nu katempo ngan ukur rengkak polahna Vienna, panon beueus, sakapeung teu kaampeuh tuluy nyurucud.

“Be strong, think about children”, cek salaki. Enya salaki jeung barudak oge sarua leungiteun ku Vienna. Nempo kuring rambisak mah barudak nu katempona teger teh sok jadi milu ngingsreuk.

 

Geus tilu peuting ngagoler teu bisa peureum, ngan ret deui ret deui ka lebah kenca, sasarina manehna ngarengkol dina handapeun radiator - nu napel na tembok gigireun pangsarean paranti ngahaneutan kamar - ret kana lawang panto kacipta manehna ngalengkah asup nyampeurkeun.

 

Kaluar ti kamar, turun ti loteng hate nyeblak nempo dina handapeun tangga geus kosong, sasarina aya kardus-kardus kadaharan Vienna, tilu mangkokna ngajajar; paranti nginum, paranti kadaharan baseuh jeung kadaharan garing. Kamari ku Maria geus dianteurkeun dibikeun ka Glen, keur si Franky, dulurna Vienna.

 

Memeh asup ka dapur, kuring mukakeun heula panto hareup. Kiwari Vienna geus taya dikieuna, hate asa teu percaya tapi ieu buktina. Kamari manehna dikurebkeun di buruan hareup. Samemeh dikubur, kardus bodas pasagi panjang ti rumah sakit teh di buka heula, awakna seungit obat-obatan, ngarengkol tibra ditilaman ku anduk bangun nu ngareunah, panon jeung sungutna nutup, buluna nu tilu rupa geus layu teu aya cahayaan, awakna jeger.

 

Basa malem Jumaah kamari, kuring asup ka kamar, Vienna kaluar tina laci handapeun dipan, eureun hareupeun kuring siga nu bebeja boga kanyeri, ngagoler bari calangap, eungap hese narik napas.

“Mark, Vienna’s dying”, kuring ngagorowok bari rawah-riwih nempo Vienna siga nu sakarat. Mark nyampeurkeun nempo Vienna nu geus diriung ku barudak bari ceurik, tuluy manehna nelepon neangan dokter hewan emergency nu buka 24 jam. Teu lila telepon ngirining, ngabejakeun nitah gancang dibawa ka Rumah Sakit Hewan Cherry Down, rumah sakit nu basa sataun kaliwat Vienna sukuna diamputasi lantaran kanker.

 

Teu kaburu ka gudang neangan kandang ucing paranti ari manehna dibawa indit-inditan, rurusuhan Vienna ku kuring diais siga orok make samping rereng batik nu coklat titinggal Emih. Biasana Vienna teu resep dipapangku, tapi dina peuting eta mah manehna nurut daek diais. Geus mobil maju manehna teterejelan sakeudeung siga nu stress, nepi ka samping soeh, eta pedah nempo lampu jalan nu baranang lalumpatan ka tukang.

“Meong”, cenah kalawan leuleuy pikarunyaeun.

Ari lain aya kanyeri atawa ambek mah Vienna disadana lain “meong”, tapi “mii” (mun keur aya pamenta nitah mukakeun panto atawa nitah ngeusian mangkok ku kadaharan baseuhna diganti ku nu anyar tina foil - olo-olo tara daek nu geus bari – atawa menta mangkok kadaharan garingna dieusian deui), atawa “Emh”, laguna siga nu sombong (mun ngan saukur nanya bari ngaliwat).

“Cicing atuh Geulis, sakeudeung deui ge nepi”, centeh, bari ditungkulkeun tuluy diusapan. Ari henteu nempo ka luar jandela mobil mah, manehna cicing deui.

 

Lima belas, kuring sarerea nepi ka rumah-sakit. Rohangan hareup poek jeung sepi, lantaran geus tutup sababaraha jam nu kaliwat. Ukur rohangan tukang nu caang, tempat sasatoan nu diopname.

Sanggeus mencel bel, katempo rohangan hareup dicaangan, suster mukakeun panto nitah tuluy dibawa ka ruang pariksa. Dokter awewe nyampeurkeun, Vienna diecagkeun kana luhur meja marmer nu panjang, dokter langsung mariksa ku stateskopna. “Jantungna mah sae”, cenah.

 

Sanggeus nempoan kana panon jeung sungut Vienna, Dokter ngalengkah kana komputer nempo riwayat kasehatan Vienna. Dibejakeun geus dua minggu Vienna sok batuk. Vienna teu gancang dibawa ka dokter da sugan teh pedah lantaran katiisan - nempo dina internet mah bronhitis, cenah - ayeuna hawa geus haneut sugan weh cageur sorangan, cek pikir kuring.

 

Aya hikmahna Vienna teu gancang dibawa ka dokter, mun ti kamari ieu dibawa ka dokter, gancang kapanggih panyakit nu sabenerna, bakal matak leuwih susah kana pikiran lantaran moal bisa diubaran tapi kudu dipaehan atawa disangsara sapaehna.

Di Islam mah teu meunang maehan sasatoan kajaba mun rek didahar atawa urang ngabela diri lantaran itu rek nyilakakeun.

 

Dokter nanyakeun naha Vienna kungsi labuh atawa katabrak?.

 

Sapopoena Vienna katalingakeun, tara kamana-mana, leuwih loba cicing di jero imah lalajo TV bari nundutan, sakalina ulin di luar ge paling di buruan tukang nu sakuringna dibenteng. Lamun manehna di buruan hareup sok ditempokeun, biasana ka buruan hareup teh isuk-isuk ari kuring ngajanteng dina lawang panto gugupay ka kulawarga nu arindit ngantor jeung sarakola, angger lumpatna teh teu jauh tapi kana jukut deukeut kembang eros nu ngarayang kana lawang panto. Di dinya pisan manehna ayeuna dikurebkeun, dina tempat favoritna.

 

Biasana lamun keur di buruan hareup, heg kuring geus hayang asup deui ka jero, memeh nutupkeun panto teh Vienna sok digeroan sina asup. Basa poe Senen (26 Maret), digeroan teh teu daekeun asup. “Pek atuh ari bedegong mah, ngan ulah keketrok ka hareup, mun hayang asup jalanna ka tukang”, centeh bari tuluy nutupkeun panto.

 

Vienna tara ludeungeun di buruan hareup sorangan. Pareng kuring geus asup ka imah leumpang ka tempat diuk nu nganghareup ka buruan tukang, katempo Vienna geus aya dina luhur benteng nu jangkungna 2 meter.

“Cicing di dinya, ulah waka turun, ke rek nyokot kamera”, centeh. Bungah taya dikieuna, da geus lila Vienna tara katempo gagalacangan kana luhur benteng, padahal tiheula mah remen najan suku kari tilu oge, boh nyingkahkeun ucing batur atawa ngan ukur moyan di luhur.

 

Dokter nu keur mariksa Vienna nyaritakeun, nu jadi sabab Vienna sesek napas, bisa bae tikorona bareuh, aya tikoro nu potong, asma atawa secondary cancer (kanker nu baheula ngulayaban kana saluran pernapasan). Dokter mawa Vienna ka tukang pikeun di X-Ray, teu lila balik deui. Manehna napelkeun gambar gede dina kaca, nuduhkeun guratan hideung dina bagean luhur paru-paru deukeut jantung.

 

“Teu aya nu potong, sigana mah kanker tapi bisa bae bareuh atawa asma”, cenah. Dokter nawarkeun pikeun dicobaan dibere heula obat anti bareuh bari dibantu ku pernapasan buatan, terus nyaritakeun perkara biayana, keur peuting eta mah £225. Geus biasa, memeh ngubaran teh, dokter hewan sok nyaritakeun heula pibiayaeunna ari kasehatanna teu diasuransikeun mah.

 

Sanggeus disanggupan pibiayaeunna, dokter nyarita, “Upami enjing teu aya kamajengan, heg palay diparios nu langkung paos, engke tiasa ditingali ka lebet ku kamera. Sawengi ieu baris ditalingakeun, keun enjing ditelepon”, cek dokter. “Kumaha upami tengah wengi sakarat, palay diwartosan ngarah tepang heula?”, pokna deui, memeh kuring sarerea balik ninggalkeun Vienna dina leungeunna.

“Muhun, jam sabaraha-sabaraha oge nelpon weh”

 

Sapeuting jeput kuring nyileuk, hate bungah teu kadenge telepon ngirining. Isukna jam salapan dokter nelepon, nyaritakeun ka salaki yen Vienna, sapeuting diteundeun dina oxygen tent teh teu aya kamajuan. Teu bisa dibere deui obat anti bareuh lantaran geus dibere full dosis.

“Janten palay kumaha?”, cek dokter, sanggeus mere dua pilihan nu bisa dipigawena, nyaeta: Vienna rek dibere obat bius, ditingali ka jero ku kamera sugan bae panyakitna teh nu beunang diubaran. Tapi resikona gede, Vienna bisa teu hudang deui lantaran salila dibere oksigen oge paru-paruna teu bisa nyokot loba hawa, komo deui engke saluranna kahalangan ku kabel/kamera. Atawa dibere obat bius over dosis, biayana leuwih murah. Cenah mun hayang dituluykeun dipariksa kajero saluran pernapasanna mah £250, tapi teu ngajamin Vienna bakal hirup. Dua pilihan teh sarua resikona, tapi sugan weh Vienna bisa diubaran. Kahayang mah Vienna bisa cageur deui jeung panjang umur.

 

Pasosore dokter nelepon deui, nedunan pamenta sangkan kuring sakulawarga bisa tepung heula jeung Vienna samemeh manehna dioprasi.

Barang gok Vienna ku dokter diteundeun dina luhur meja, manehna ku kuring dipangku teh nangkeup, dina leungeun katuhuna napel selang pondok dibungkus ku plaster, meureun urut infusan. Katempo dina kongkolak panon, basa manehna neuteup ka kuring, siga nu ngarti naha bet diceungceurikan, manehna ge siga nu ceurik, tuluy rut ret nempo kana beungeut-beungeut kulawarga nu ngariung. Vienna tara daek cicing dipangku kajaba mun manehna boga kanyeri.

“Sing kuat, Geulis, nya?”, cekeng. Vienna mah kuatan, geus tilu kali manehna dioprasi – basa diangkat pianakanna, dicokot sample tisu tina tulang sukuna, saminggu ti harita terus diamputasi - sakeudeung ge cageur deui, bungaheun deui.

 

Dina lawang panto basa kuring sarerea rek balik, dina tangkeupan dokter Vienna diusapan deui sirahna, barudak ngusap-ngusap awakna, Mark nyawel-nyawel gadona –karesepna Vienna - tuluy ngaleos tiheula.

“By Vien”, centeh bari ngusap leungeunna bari ngaleos, manehna neuteup, tuluy rut ret ka sarerea – teu nyaho bakal jadi teuteupna nu pamungkas.

 “Naha enya Mark teu miwarang Vienna sina dipaehan?”, cek kuring ngaharewos sanggeus aya di luar. Singhoreng Mark ge teu kuateun nahan cipanon matak indit tiheula teh.

“Henteu atuh, satungtung aya keneh nu bisa ditarekahan mah”, pokna.

“Naha atuh make nangis?.” Kuring curiga ka salaki lantaran kakara nempo manehna ceurik.

“Kapan saur dokter ge gede resikona, bieu teh boa-boa panungtungan urang patepung jeung Vienna”, cenah, tuluy ngusap beungeutna nu katempo geus jadi beureum.

Sarerea diuk ngagukguk dina mobil, ari Mark mah ngan ukur rambisak, teu gancang ngahirupan mobil.

“Padahal mah urang nungguan didieu weh?”, centeh.

“Dokter bakal neleponna ka bumi”, cek Mark.

 

Barang asup ka imah, kakara ngaregot cikopi, telepon ngirining. Dokter menta dihampura teu bisa nulungan Vienna. Salila dibius bari diasupan kamera teh cenah Vienna dikompa ku pernapasan buatan, tapi basa fentilatorna geus dilesotkeun manehna teu bisaeun ngarenghap ku sorangan. Dokter manggih kanker dina jero trachea (saluran luhureun paru-paru deukeut jantung) jeung infeksi di sakurilingeunna anu geus bau siga keju. Ningali kondisina mah, cenah, najan pernapasanna henteu leuwih kaganggu ku kamera nu diasupkeun oge, Vienna moal lila umurna, bisa maot peuting eta.

 

Deudeuh Vienna, umur mah teu beunang dibeli ku duit geuning, najan sarerea adug lajer beak dengkak hayang Vienna tuluy hirup bari cageur deui oge, ari geus nepi kana waktuna mah teu bisa kukumaha iwal ti pasrah.

Hampura, Geulis. Ari ngoetan korsi sok disentak, da dipangmeulikeun paranti kokoet oge angger weh geuning kana juru korsi bae ngasah kuku teh. Hampura, baheula Vienna sok resep diuk tina jandela dapur nempo ka jalan, ku Mamih counter-na hayeuh kalah diteundeunan deep fryer jeung betrak-betruk nepi ka euweuh keur tempat diuk Vienna. Hampura ari Mamih leumpang Vienna sok dicarekan, da bongan sok muih kana suku, nyarekan soteh sieun Vienna katincek.

 

Pek ayeuna mah sing tibra, Geulis. Nuhun salila anjeun hirup geus mere kabungahan, jadi batur nyarita sabot sarerea euweuh di imah. Engke mun Daddy geus ngantor deui, barudak ka sarakola, moal aya deui nu lalajo TV pabeubeurang. Sabot Mamih diuk nanggeuy laptop, moal aya nu ngagalacang kana luhur pangsarandean korsi tukangeun, ngagadil-gadil sungut kana rambut Mamih siga nu nyiaran. Urang mah karesep teh meh sarua, teu resep ulin jeung batur tapi leuwih betah di imah. Ayeuna hawa geus haneut, sakeudeung deui Musim Panas, nanggeuy laptop atawa maca buku teh meureun moal di buruan tukang, tapi di hareup bari nungguan kuburan.

Saminggu nu kaliwat memeh anjeun ngantunken (31 Maret), urang diuk ngarendeng duaan. Unggal direret Vienna keur melongkeun. Harita Mamih ngotretkeun pulpen. Meureun nu ditulis ku Mamih teh harewos ti anjeun ngabejaan jeung ngelingan:

I wish I could live forever

but I am only a traveller

…like the sun in the late afternoon

That will disappear behind the mountain soon

Time will come when I am gone

Don't mourn because I am not around

Embrace beautiful life with delight

Find the path and follow the light

Our journey in life is a roller-coaster

Some trials will make you feel bitter

Don't drown yourself in sorrow

for there will be happiness to follow

Rest In Peace

Inna lilaahi wa inna Ilaihi roji'un.

We had tried everything to safe her life, but it's not down to us.

It's time to surrender that now she is in peace at last.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vienna's Progress

This morning the Vet rang. Vienna survives through the night, but there is no progress. They watched Vienna over night, put her in the oxygen and anti inflammatory. A couple of times they took the oxygen off to see how she is doing without it, but they had to put it back on again, she couldn't take enough air without the fentilator.

The Vet asked us what we want them to do to Vienna. We just want to give her chance to live. Then she told us an option, she can take a look what actually blocking the air passage by putting Vienna under the anaesthetic and putting the camera down, and see if the blockage is something that can be removed/treated. She mentioned about how much it cost but can't guarantee that Vienna can make it. The chance is very slim for her to survive - she may not come out of the anaesthetic since she can hardly take the air and the camera will be blocking more the air way.

If it's time for Vienna to leave, she better die while being treated rather than we put her to rest. I may be selfish for seeing her suffering, but killing - whatever they call it - is against my principal. In Islam, killing - even just an ant - is forbidden. I don't want to stand on trial before God, in the judgement day, as a killer.

This afternoon we are going to see Vienna before the Vet performs the operation. I hope it won't be the last time we see her.

Vienna is fighting for her life

For the last two weeks Vienna has been coughing, she's got a bronchitis. Tonight I saw her struggling to breath through her mouth and dribbling, looking very helpless. We rushed taking her to the 24 hours emergency Vet.

 

She just had an x-ray, it showed that she has an inflammation in the valves around her heart, it's the reason she hard to breath. The Vet suspected it's a secondary cancer, I hope it's not. Now she is fighting for her life in the oxygen tent, in Cherry Down Animal Hospital.

 

I know everyone will die. But I am not ready to loss her. I don't want to put her to sleep. I will do anything to make her healthy again and live longer, whatever it takes.

 

For other people, she maybe just an ugly three legs feline cat. But for me she is my baby. I love her as much as I need her. She's been the only friend around, that brightens up my life, during the lonely hours everyday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Are My Diamond

What a beautiful diamond

bringing a smile when I found

not the one you gave me in the wrapper

but it is in your heart my dear

 

You will always be shining

for you are loving and caring

and I'm a very proud mother

having such a wonderful daughter

 

I'm only practising writing in rhyme. I wrote this last week to say thank you to Sylvia. But in my heart, actually all my children are diamonds :-)

That Bloody Ball ...

For the last 2 week - since the weather was warmer - the boys have been playing football in our residential car park. It’s quiet, not so many cars there. I don’t say it is safe even all the residents know and aware that children like to play in the car park. A car park is a car park, not the place you suppose to play football. But they didn't have anywhere else to play football, unless going to the park. The nearest one is about 10 minutes walk.

 

When they play football, they use our back wall as their goal post - perhaps because it is wider then the rest - and their ball often bounces into my garden crushes on my flowers or hit our glass sliding doors.

 

I have been trying to be nice and friendly to them. Every time the ball came into my garden, I got up went to the garden and threw their ball back over the wall. Sometimes after throwing the ball back - when I just got inside and sat on my comfy chair with my book - someone already knock again on my front door, "Excuse me, can I have my ball back please". Then I have to get up again. It's very annoying getting up and down, in and out of the house like being a slave of those boys. “It’s an act of charity Lies, don’t moan. A good exercise for you since you are getting fat”, I said to my self.

 

“Please try not throwing the ball on my garden again”, I said smiling after a few times being the ball picker.

“Sorry, it’s not me but ….” they always blamed other who’s not present. “He is there hiding” pointed to the place behind the wall. Hundreds times they said sorry but still that ball came to our garden.

 

Once I had an evil idea to throw that ball over the fence to a next-door garden, and let them knocking there. I’m sure Simone - who always put swearing word in every sentence she says - won’t be happy to share my job. She will kill them if those boys keep knocking on her door every couple minutes.

“Yes Mum, lets throw it to Simone’s”, said Saskia cheekily. O my God, what am I doing telling my kid my evil thought.

“No Darling, just kidding,” I said smiling and threw the ball over the wall.

“Thank you”, they shouted. Soon I heard the bouncing ball between muttering voices of the boys behind the wall. They sounded happy.

 

I looked at my garden, it’s hardly to be called a garden. The purple vinca minor and lilies were still in their pots just as they came from the garden centre. I was going to put them on the border but hasn’t got the time yet. Now those purple flowers were already ruined by the ball. Last Sunday I just started working in the garden, only managed cutting the shrubs of honey suckle that hanging down on the fence, weeding the border and tidying up the patio. We don’t have a lawn in the back but a small patio garden.

 

It was a lovely day; the weather was warm, the sky was bright, the sun shining. The breeze swayed my laundry on the washing line. I stood by the door to bring my washing in when suddenly …

“Bang”

“That bloody ball just hit my head”, I shouted, lying. Actually was only slightly on my hair before it hit the door.

“Sorry”, they said as I opened the gate and went outside. “Can I have my ball back please”, Those innocence eyes melted my heart. I wasn’t going to give their ball back but I did. Once again I warn them to play more gently.

"If your ball comes to my garden again once more, I'll give it to a charity shop." I said sternly before went back to the garden and locked the gate.

 

I just started picking up clothes when that bloody ball came back again hit me on my back. This time really hit me hard on my back. “Shit”, my heart racing, my blood rushed to my back neck, my face must be redden now and I was very angry. They were shouting asking their ball back. I ignore them, went inside. Then I heard a few times knocks on my door.

“Leave it Sas, don’t open it”, I said to Saskia when she was going to open the door. Enough is enough, this time I am not going to give their ball back.

 I stood at the front in the kitchen looking at the window, waiting for Mark coming home, going to tell him to park the car in the back, so if the boys got other ball they couldn’t use our back wall as the goal post again.

 

I went to the front door as I saw the aubergine Ford Escort crossing the road. Mark had already turned the engine off and walking out of the car. The boys were hanging in the alley.

“Can I have the ball back please”.

“No, ask your mother to get it. I’ll have a word with her”.

I didn’t really want to make a war with neighbours actually, just didn’t want to give the ball back.

“O please, it’s not me, it’s …..”, again blaming other. I ignore them. I didn’t care if they think I have turn into a wicked witch.

 

I welcome my husband with my face like I had been sucking a lemon. I told him that I’d been battered by the ball. He followed me in. I went to the kitchen, put the kettle on for his cuppa.

He went to the garden, took the ball and back to the front door.

“I won’t stop you from playing football, mates. I want to see you on the television one day. But please think about other people”, he said. How could he be so calm and giving that ball back after all we’d been through. I expected him to tell them off, rise his eye brows to form a wider eyes and speak firmly. But Mark can’t even do that to his own kids, he is always speak softly like a jelly.

I frowned, now I was like trying to make a war with my husband.

“You shouldn’t give that ball back”. I moaned, handing him a cup of cappuccino.

I was really frustrated with that bloody ball, couldn't even feeling safe being in our garden never mind having nice flowers.

 

Two days has passed. Yesterday the ball only twice went to our garden. The first one I threw it back over the wall without a word. The second ball coming, I left it and now still in our garden. No one has been knocking on the front door or shouting over the wall asking it back.

Today I haven’t seen a ball coming to our garden - not because it is the only ball they have, last time I found 4 balls in our garden - maybe that jelly talk of Mark works, or me being a wicked witch that works, I don’t know. I also don’t know how long it will last. But today I feel a bit relieved.

 

A Negotiation With My Teen Daughter

It's difficult to plan for a family holiday when children get older. Gina and Sylvia don't go away with us anymore, the last time all of us went together for a holiday was 10 years a go when I was carrying Saskia in my stomach. They both are already grow-ups, working, not included in our holiday plan anymore. Nowadays when we say a family holiday, it would be just I, Mark, Maria and Saskia.

Mark has booked a week off work starting from this Friday till the last day of the school holiday and planning to take us away for a week. "I don't want to go away for a week. I've got my own plan with my mates", said Maria when we told her our holiday plan. Mark has been browsing on the net and found nice cottages in Peak District.

Last night I asked him, "Have you book the holiday yet". "No, I've been thinking about Maria", he said. He wants to have a break and a bounding time with the family. But we don't want to drag Maria coming with us and she'll be miserable for a week ruining our holiday.

He must have been thinking it all night. This morning before he left to work he said. "What we gonna do with the holiday?". Then when he just arrived at work, he phoned me. "What are we gonna do with Maria? Maybe we just leave her at home", he said like giving up. "Let me talk to her again and see if we can find a bridge", I said. She might think that she is a grown-up, but she is only 15 years old. I don't want to leave her at home even Gina - after work - will be home.

Maria is sitting on the computer typing while listening to the music.

"I feel sorry for your dad. He just arrived at work already phoned me to talk about holiday again. I think he deserved to have a break, don't you? And he wants to be with the family", I said.

"Yeah, but I don't want to spend a whole week away. And what we gonna do there?. I've already planned to see my mates"

"But you see your friends every day during school days"

"No, all my mates live in Rayleigh. We planned go to Southend, to the seaside and Peterpan trying the new ride"

"How about if you go out with your friends in the week end?, and I'll try to speak with your dad see if he can find a short break"

" Why don't we just go for 3 days?. I don't want to spend a week in a cottage doing nothing"

"It won't be doing nothing. There will be some activities and we can go to Alton Tower. Your dad said it's not far to Alton Tower"

"But Saskia said it's a countryside and we will just go to a farm playing with chicken. I want to explore. But I don't want to go for a week"

"Yes of course we'll explore the place, see sightseeing and take a walk in the woods, won't spend every day just sitting in the cottage. And you can take your guitar and books for something to do in the evening. So, you agree to come with us for a few days then?"

"Yeah if only till Wednesday"

"How about until Thursday?, you'll still have a few days left to see your friends"

"Alright then"

"You're sure, yeah? Will be happy with it? cos we don't want to waste the money for going away but you don't enjoy it"

"Yeah"

"Right then, I'll call your dad now cos he has too book it soon"

I spoke briefly to Mark telling Maria agree to come with us for as long as we come home by Thursday.

"But most of holidays is for a week", he said.

"Just find somewhere that can be for a few days. You should have sit with Maria when browsing on the computer and discuss it with her". I said. Maria is the most difficult one now. As for me, I don't really care where we are going or how long for, as long as the family together and happy. I'm sure Mark can find a place that suitable for everyone, has some activities for children.

"I'll talk to her later at 12", he said. Everyday, Mark always phones home at 12am just to say hello and see if I'm alright.

I'm pleased with my self this morning for being able to build a bridge between father and a teen daughter about the family holiday. I thought Maria is closer to Mark, they share their passion in the music, they talk about it. But why when come to planning a holiday it seems hard for him to get Maria on his side. It's all just about communication. Mark hasn't really discuss it with Maria. He should have explained to her what he wants for the family and heard what she says until comes to an agreement that will make everyone happy. He should have showed the place that interesting him to Maria instead of Saskia. "Look Sas, this is the cottage we gonna stay, nice isn't it?, and there is a farm so you can play with chicken", He told Saskia the other night when he was sitting on the computer. Saskia isn't a problem yet, she will follow our bottoms wherever we go.

Enjoy Your Life

I just started learning to write poems. And this one is for my children, family and friends:

ENJOY YOUR LIFE

I wish I could live forever
but I am only a traveller
…like the sun in the late afternoon
That will disappear behind the mountain soon

Time will come when I am gone
Don't mourn because I am not around
Embrace beautiful life with delight
Find the path and follow the light

Our journey in life is a roller-coaster
Some trials will make you feel bitter
Don't drown yourself in sorrow
for there will be happiness to follow

 

When you want to be a writer and an actress

Wednesday 29 March 2007, Sylvia came around telling us that she had an offer from the Catch 22 Magazine CIC for the Magazine Journalism programme. Their sponsorship six weeks programme will start on Wednesday 11 April in London College of Communication. Then she told us that she has registered herself to the Open University for doing Business Studies, start from May.

 

“When I grow up I’ll go to a university as well, get a degree, and then become a shop keeper”, you said.

“You don’t have to go to a Uni just to be a shop keeper”, I smiled.

“But I want to go to a university and work in Toys R Us.”

“That’s good, so we don’t have to buy you toys”

 

One minute you want to be a model, the next minute to be a shop keeper, a writer, an actress - that what children are. Earlier when I spoke on the phone with your dad, told him what you’ve been up, He said, “Maybe next she wants to be a farmer”.

I don’t know what will you become when you grow up, but whatever you want to be, I’ll always support you.

 

Today is a school holiday, you’ve been at home for the Easter Holiday since last Thursday. I didn’t have to get up early for getting you ready to school. When I came downstairs for a coffee and a cigarette, I was very pleased to see you doing some writing.

 

Maria was on the computer, you were in the lounge, still in your pyjamas. I know you hadn’t had a wash - I saw some sleep on your face and your hair tangled. You were sitting on the sofa holding a pen, facing the plastic table covered by your baby blanket Paddington Bear. Some pieces of paper on the table were already full of your nice small handwriting. (Last time I told you,  I’ll pay you 10p for each page of your writing whether it’s good or bad, but the letters has to be small, and if using the computer, the font size not more than 12. Well, I have to make the most out of my money, don’t I?)

 

I’m very pleased you’ve been writing again using a pen instead of the computer. The computer is not only bad for your eyes – if you stare too much on its screen – but also can make the editor in the back of your head very easy interfering your writing.

 

When you practice writing, it’s better just write whatever comes in your mind without looking back at what you’ve written. You don’t have to worry about grammar and spelling, that’s your work later when you edit it. By using a pen, your writing will be more original as what coming in your mind in the first place, and your writing will be flowing better.

 

I also want to treasure your pieces of paper. It will be nice for us later when you grow up to see all your writings when you are little. I’m sure one day they’ll bring a smile on your face.

 

The telly was blaring in the background, it was Drake And Josh in Nickelodeon.  I asked you if I can turn it off, so you can concentrate on your work. But you said, “No, I want to watch Zoe 101”. I wondered how could you do some writing with the telly on. When Zoe 101 was on, I saw you didn’t really watch it. Perhaps you just like the noise. That’s OK, some people even writing in the café sometimes, like Hemmingway or Natalie Goldberg.

 

When I said I want to write a book, you told me want to write a book as well. I think your book will finished sooner than mine, Saskia. A few minutes after I sat on the sofa, you showed me 3 pages full of your handwriting. “It’s a script for the play”, you said. Now you want to be an actress and writing the script by your own. Yesterday when I was in the toilet, you asked me to be your director and take the video of your play. Unfortunately, the camcorder isn’t working. We have to leave the filming of your movie till we have a new camcorder.

 

At the moment, I could only capture you when you were writing that script – before I went upstairs to write about it – and here is your pictures this morning, 2 April 2007.